Summer TV confessions of a tetchy cow

Dear ladies and gents,

last week we had a bit of a heatwave going on. Most of Europe did. We got a few days of respite where it was blessedly cool in the mornings and evenings. And even though today it was raining, another heatwave is predicted for this week (am slightly obsessed with both of the weather apps on my phone).

I do not do well in warm weather. At all. I do not understand why British people complain about theirs. MOAR RAIN PLEASE!

Can’t eat, can’t function properly, can do sh*t all apart from the bare minimum. 37°C (98.6F for our American friends) does that to me.

tl; dr

I am currently a tetchy cow, so bare that in mind.

OMG. WTF with the True Detective? I was all like True Detective started – YAY something to watch! And it’s been utter rubbish. I case you haven’t gotten round to it yet let me tell you – you aren’t missing anything. Because nothing happens. At all. I don’t understand what is the point of having this freaking great cast. And have them do nothing. But just kinda spout rubbish I could have written.

So at this point a normal person, a smart person, would just give up on TV altogether. To be fair, I have been reading loads more. But then I get annoyed at how the book ends (that’s another story altogether).

But no. Noooooooo.

I did what any not-sane person would do. I switched over to Hannibal.

Which is… I normally like Hannibal. But omg (OMG!) what is it with the freaking water/blood/whatever dripping? And it’s not only occasionally, it all. the. freaking. time. Also snails? I mean by the time they crawl to whatever the hell they are going I want to tear my hair out. Also – da f*ck with kaleidoscopic scenes?

Can I be frank?

I will be frank with you.

I don’t have an effing clue what the hell is going on. There it is, my secret is out.

Most of the time I’m just

I will tell you this much though. The fight between Jack and Hannibal? A thing of beauty.

And you know, a fight is well and good. But Jack could have saved himself a whole lot of trouble if he did one thing. Just one thing.

Threatened Hannibal with some refined sugar. That would have him running for the hills. Or curling up in a fetal position.

That’s where I’m at ladies and gents.

I will be on the balcony. Cooling off my feet and armpits respectively.

Summer TV shows

Dear ladies and gents,

as I have mentioned before, there isn’t much on at the moment. But that is about to change in a week or so when summer TV shows start airing. Down below you can find a list of some of the stuff I’ve found that *looks* interesting (looks being the operative word). I’ve used TVLine’s handy calendar to check the dates.

True Detective – returns June 21st. This season stars Colin Farrell, Rachel McAdams and Vince Vaughn. I am really curious how will the story unfold this season.

Hannibal – returns June 4th. Lord. It will be guts galore fo sure.

The Strain – returns July 12th. I forgot how effing gross the Strain is.

Royal Pains – returns June 2nd. Your summer dose of light and fluffy.

Murder in the First – returns June 10th. Murder in the First had a solid first season. The second season will deal with a new crime.

Orange Is the New Black – returns June 12th. Always solid. And I can already see sh*t all will get done that weekend.

The Last Ship – returns June 21st. I’d never thought I’d enjoy anything made by Michael Bay. But there you go. They had me at viral-infection-that-kills-almost-all-of-the-population.

New shows

Aquarius – aired already. Aquarius is produced by NBC and they have released all of the episodes at the same time. I saw the first two and it’s not bad?

The Whispers – premiere airs June 1st. It’s something about a paranormal force trying to take over the Earth by possessing kids? At least that’s how I got it. Could be great or it could disintegrate after a couple of episodes.

Sense8 – premieres June 5th on Netflix. So this was created and produced by Andy and Lana Wachowski and Michael Straczynski. Normally this would make me… pause? I mean – have you seen Jupiter Ascending? BUT. If we have learned anything at all this year is that Netflix does not produce sh*t. Also? SAYID!!!

Dark Matter – premieres June 12th. I realized I still haven’t found a replacement for BSG. So you know, I am game to give this a go.

Proof – premieres June 16th. Jennifer Beals stars as a doctor who is trying to find a proof whether there is life after death.

Killjoys – premieres June 19th. It’s about space bounty hunters you guys. Space bounty hunters! The only problem is it’s been a long (looong) while since anything made by SyFy grabbed me.

The Brink – premieres June 21st. Jack Black and Tim Robbins. That alone will make me check it out.

Mr. Robot - premieres June 24th. New summer show by the USA Network. The pilot is available for streaming already and it’s in my queue. Don’t know what to tell you to be honest – this looks interesting. But then on the other hand – I know USA Network is trying to be all edgy and sh*t, I’m just no certain it’s working.

Do let me know if I have missed anything interesting.

CH:OS:EN

Dear ladies and gents,

why hasn’t anyone told me about Chosen*? Eh?

Have you heard of it?

It’s a web series. I know. I know. And it streams on – wait for it – Crackle.

Now before you accuse me of being a silly cow who is asking you to watch some rubbish web series that doesn’t even stream on Netflix or Hulu, do hear me out.

Obviously I had to get over my snobbish tendencies, because hm… Crackle. But see Chosen, yeah? It’s surprisingly good.

Truth be told, it’s better than many (MANY!) of the shows that aired and then promptly got cancelled as mid-season replacements.

Created by Ben Ketai and Ryan Lewis, Chosen follows the story of Ian Mitchell (played by Milo Ventimiglia. Also known as that dude from Heroes. Or Gilmore Girls). So Ian is a lawyer and one day he finds a mysterious box on his doorstep. When he opens it (because OF COURSE he has to open the box! It has his name on it after all), he finds a gun and a photo of a person he needs to “expire” with a limited number of hours to get this done. So it turns out that killing a stranger is a part of a game. And he has to play. Or else.

ANYWAY. Matters do get a bit more complicated. Obvs.

But I’m telling you, Chosen is good. Plus each episode is about 20 minutes and the whole season is 6 episodes in total, so it’s more like watching a feature length movie?

Chosen has aired three seasons so far, while fourth season has been commissioned.

Do give it a go. I mean, it’s not like there is anything to watch at the moment.

* Sorry, can’t be ar*ed to spell it like they want it to be spelled. Because well…

Trailer for Chosen below

Bloodline

Lord.

I thought I was so on point with my TV knowledge.

Alas, I’m not.

First I heard of Bloodline was a couple of days ago (I thought it might have premiered while I was in UK, but no).

So anyway I’m three episodes in and I don’t know what to make of it. It’s slow. Really slow. BUT a) the cast is really good (Sissy Spacek, Sam Shepard, Kyle Chandler*, Ben Mendelsohn who is freaking brilliant, I mean – you get the jist).
And b) the bleeding thing is kinda like a Dan Brown novel. Not the subject matter. Obvs. Or the writing obvs. The writing is stellar when compared to Dan Brown.

It’s more… hm… each episode is an hour long. And it’s kinda slow. And then I get to this point and think that’s it, I’m quitting this sh*t…

And then what happens? A FREAKING GIANT CLIFFHANGER. RIGHT AT THE END.

Yes, I know. It’s a TV show, there are supposed to be cliffhangers. It’s just a bit frustrating is all.

Also re the cliffhangers? If you check the trailer below, there is usually a voice over by the aforementioned Kyle Chandler or rather his character at the end of each episode. Who keeps talking about the members of the family and how they are good people. Dude sorry to break it to you BUT good people do not cram what I presume are dead people in the trunks of their cars. Or you know, light people on fire and somesuch. (facepalm)

Anyway tl; dr.

For the love of everything that is holy – can someone tell me does Bloodline get a bit dunno, faster? Is it worth the time commitment?

*On a side note – I know Kyle Chandler was in Friday Night Lights. But does anyone remember the Homefront? That was a freaking awesome show.