- Calzones make no sense. They are pizzas that are harder to eat.
- How do you know that the racoon problem is under control? They have their part of town. Also in Pawnee they are not nocturnal but 24/7 and they hunt kids for sport.
- It’s not called crying, ok? It’s called being allergic to jerks.
- The scale for being pissed off? One to Chris Brown.
- Ideal man according to Leslie Knope? George Clooney’s brains in Joe Biden’s body.
- Jerry will jump into a creek for a burrito. Also he has the biggest penis ever.
- Crying – only allowed at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
- Fishing – only for sport, not for meat. Because fish meat is practically a vegetable.
- Also fishing? It’s like yoga but you still get to kill something.
- Two things to know about white people – they like Matchbox Twenty. And they are terrified of curses.
- How to burn your ex-wife’s effigy? Dip it in paraffin wax and then toss a flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol at it. From a SAFE distance. That cannot be stressed enough.
- Dictionary of food stuff according to Tom:
‘Zerts = desserts
Tray-trays = entrees
Sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers = sandwiches
Big ol’ cookies = cakes
Long ass rice = noodles
Fri-fri chicky-chick = fried chicken
Chicky chicky parm parm = chicken parm
Chicky catch = chicken cacciatore
Pre-birds/future birds = eggs
Super water = root beer
Bean blankies = tortillas
Food rakes = forks
- It’s pointless for humans to paint scenes of nature when you can just go outside and stand in it.
- Snake Juice = rat’s poison
- Jogging is the worst. It keeps you healthy, but at what cost?
- Li’l Sebastian is a mini horse. Not a pony.
- Acupuncture is great for your back and your rear – needles in your face, pleasure in yo’ base.
- So Treat Yo’ Self, yes? It’s one day of the year you treat yourself to whatever you might fancy. So for some it means spa and massages and cashmere and whathaveyou. For others it means Batman costume.
- Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
- Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat.
- Skim milk is water lying about being milk.
- Buckingham Palace is not Hogwarts.
- When someone says they are going back to the office, it sometimes means they are going back to their tent in a pit.
- Hardest thing about living in the pit? Keeping your suit pressed.
- Also? The pit works in mysterious ways.
- A thing? Ovaries before brovaries and hoes before bros.
- You can ignore a hernia. And ignore it successfully. But you would do well to avoid sneezing.
- Weed can be confused with tops of carrots.
- If you are mum’s name is Tammy? And both of your ex-wives are called Tammy? Dude, you might have a problem.
- The key to volunteering? Lots of pockets to put the food in.
- Did you know you can hire a fake mum on craigslist?
- Sewage gets the hottest interns.
- For safety reasons it is not allowed to make puns about the meat temperatures anymore.
- Shoeshine head? It’s a thing.
- Pawnee’s cable access does not have hair and make up. They have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.
- The expression is – the show must go wrong. And you just have to deal with it.
- Public forum = crackpot convention.
- WTF is a German muffin?
- There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.
- On that note and something I’ve learned in RL rather than from Parks and Rec – whipped cream, yes? Stuff that comes in a can? Blech! Don’t halff-ass it, get the real thing!
Damn. I’m going to miss this show.