A definitive list of things I learned watching Parks and Recreation

  • Calzones make no sense. They are pizzas that are harder to eat.
  • How do you know that the racoon problem is under control? They have their part of town. Also in Pawnee they are not nocturnal but 24/7 and they hunt kids for sport.
  • It’s not called crying, ok? It’s called being allergic to jerks.
  • The scale for being pissed off? One to Chris Brown.
  • Ideal man according to Leslie Knope? George Clooney’s brains in Joe Biden’s body.
  • Jerry will jump into a creek for a burrito. Also he has the biggest penis ever.
  • Crying – only allowed at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
  • Fishing – only for sport, not for meat. Because fish meat is practically a vegetable.
  • Also fishing? It’s like yoga but you still get to kill something.
  • Two things to know about white people – they like Matchbox Twenty. And they are terrified of curses.
  • How to burn your ex-wife’s effigy? Dip it in paraffin wax and then toss a flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol at it. From a SAFE distance. That cannot be stressed enough.
  • Dictionary of food stuff according to Tom:

‘Zerts = desserts
Tray-trays = entrees
Sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers = sandwiches
Big ol’ cookies = cakes
Long ass rice = noodles
Fri-fri chicky-chick = fried chicken
Chicky chicky parm parm = chicken parm
Chicky catch = chicken cacciatore
Pre-birds/future birds = eggs
Super water = root beer
Bean blankies = tortillas
Food rakes = forks

  • It’s pointless for humans to paint scenes of nature when you can just go outside and stand in it.
  • Snake Juice = rat’s poison
  • Jogging is the worst. It keeps you healthy, but at what cost?
  • Li’l Sebastian is a mini horse. Not a pony.
  • Acupuncture is great for your back and your rear – needles in your face, pleasure in yo’ base.
  • So Treat Yo’ Self, yes? It’s one day of the year you treat yourself to whatever you might fancy. So for some it means spa and massages and cashmere and whathaveyou. For others it means Batman costume.
  • Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
  • Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat.
  • Skim milk is water lying about being milk.
  • Buckingham Palace is not Hogwarts.
  • When someone says they are going back to the office, it sometimes means they are going back to their tent in a pit.
  • Hardest thing about living in the pit? Keeping your suit pressed.
  • Also? The pit works in mysterious ways.
  • A thing? Ovaries before brovaries and hoes before bros.
  • You can ignore a hernia. And ignore it successfully. But you would do well to avoid sneezing.
  • Weed can be confused with tops of carrots.
  • If you are mum’s name is Tammy? And both of your ex-wives are called Tammy? Dude, you might have a problem.
  • The key to volunteering? Lots of pockets to put the food in.
  • Did you know you can hire a fake mum on craigslist?
  • Sewage gets the hottest interns.
  • For safety reasons it is not allowed to make puns about the meat temperatures anymore.
  • Shoeshine head? It’s a thing.
  • Pawnee’s cable access does not have hair and make up. They have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.
  • The expression is – the show must go wrong. And you just have to deal with it.
  • Public forum = crackpot convention.
  • WTF is a German muffin?
  • There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.
  • On that note and something I’ve learned in RL rather than from Parks and Rec – whipped cream, yes? Stuff that comes in a can? Blech! Don’t halff-ass it, get the real thing!

Damn. I’m going to miss this show.

The Librarians

Dear ladies and gents,

do you remember those Librarian movies with Noah Wyle? You know the ones. Looked like a low budget version of Indiana Jones? That seem to be sold in bundle packs with Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme movies?

Those ones. Looks totally naff, no?

Anyhow. It was made into a series. Which, you know, normally? Yawn inducing.

BUT… this is produced by Dean Devlin! The same guy who did Leverage! AND it also stars Christian Kane from Leverage!

The first two episodes aired one after another and I have to say I absolutely LOVED it!

The Librarians is balls out fun. No other way to describe it really. You throw some art, archeology and history together, then you mix it up with some random action sequences and a bit of magic shenanigans and you get the Librarians.

And it seems I am not the only one who loved it, because the series is the most watched cable series to launch this year (with 5.4 million viewers).

Look, this is not highbrow stuff – you don’t need to make notes or consult diagrams to understand what the what is going on (like let’s say Intruders). Also it’s fast paced (always a plus in my book!) AND there is minimum blood and gore (yes, I’d never think I would list that as plus).

Be as may – watch the Librarians. And if you absolutely hate it, you have my permission to call me a silly cow.

Supernatural – 10 years on and 200 episodes in.

Dear ladies and gents,

I was watching Supernatural the other day. And then it occurred to me – it’s been 10 years! 10!!!

That’s some marriages! Relationships! Jobs! In fact some marriages/relationships/jobs last a lot less.

So instead of being all like – OH NOES what am I doing with my time! And OH NOES where did the time go! I have decided to take on a more hm relaxed approach? Because you know… yes I might have been watching Supernatural for 10 years. And while it might not be all “PENNY IS MY CONSTANT”…

Image via Lostpedia

COUGH

… it has been damn fun spending time with the Winchester brothers.

So let’s see what we have witnessed over the past 10 years (please bare in mind this is by no means an extensive list. I wrote stuff down as I remembered it, please feel free to share stuff in the comments):

- ALL the monsters! And who knew there were so many.
- Bobby dying.
- Bobby coming back as a ghost.
- Dean going to Hell.
- Dean coming back from Hell.
- Sam going all evil and sh*t.
- Angels exist.
- Lucifer escapes from Hell.
- Cas becomes human.
- Cas becomes an angel again.
- Cas’s head explodes. (sorry, had to include this)

- Sam loses his soul.
- Cas goes all evil and sh*t, thinks he is God.
- Cas comes to his senses.
- Leviathans try to turn humans into a food source.
- Dean goes to Purgatory.
- Dean comes back from Purgatory.
- Metatron chucks the angels out of Heaven.
- Sam gets possessed by an angel.
- Sam gets unpossessed by an angel.
- Dean takes on the Mark of Cain.
- Dean turns into a demon.
- Dean goes all evil and sh*t, becomes BFFs with Crowley.
- Dean turns into a normal Dean again.

And that’s where we are at ladies and gents.

The thing is sometimes I do need to remind myself it’s just a show. Because I can’t help but feel bad for the Winchesters. Good Lord, have they been dealt a shitty hand! Everyone near and dear to them keep dropping like flies. The monsters want to kill/eat/blow them up/drag them to hell. Sh*t just happens. ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME. And Dean eating all that burgers can’t be good for him.

And them I’m all like…

And…

But after 10 years I guess I am invested :)

What the what USA Network?!

USA Network does one thing well. And when I say well I mean REALLY well. Light, fun, frothy summer shows. Noone does them better than USA Network.

White Collar, Royal Pains, Suits, the now defunct Necessary Roughness, Monk and Psych, you get the gist. This is/was USA Network’s bread and butter.

Take pretty people, put them in nice clothes and gorgeous looking locations (with some to die for set design) and presto – you have a hit on your hands.

That’s why I don’t understand what the what they are trying to do with the new slew of shows.

For example – there is Graceland. Which I think was USA Network’s first foray into gritty cop show territory?

I know Graceland got renewed and all but as far as I’m concerned – gritty it ain’t

I watched their latest show Rush? Me thinks they wanted to go for House/Royal Pains hybrid of some sort?

Will Rush is a doctor to the LA’s rich and famous. People do stupid sh*t, people need to think of their image, people call Rush, pay cash and get treated, no questions asked.

The only problem being a) the main character is an arsehole and b) Tom Ellis the guy who plays him? He might be a good actor, but Hugh Laurie he ain’t. It takes serious skill to make me care about an arsehole is all I’m saying.

Satisfaction

Another new show Satisfaction is about a couple who have been married for a while. And then the husband finds out the wife is cheating on him. With an escort. Because she doesn’t feel appreciated enough? Be as it may – this one seems to look promising, but light and frothy it is not (also I *know* I’m a crusty b*sh but it kinda reeks of #firstworldproblems?)

tl; dr

If USA Network is going for edgy, dark and twisty I don’t think these two shows will cut it. They are kinda dark, but not all that deep?

And besides – what is wrong with light and frothy and fun? We all need more of that in our lives (says she after watching the Strain yesterday and dreaming about freaking worms all night (facepalm)