In the movies

Dear ladies and gents,

over the last 2 weeks I have managed to see two movies. Short reviews of both below.

Spy

I like Melissa McCarthy a lot. Loved her in Bridesmaids, loved her in St. Vincent, LOVED the Heat. Identity Theft? Tammy? Not so much.

I saw the trailer for Spy and I laughed a lot. And I have to say, it doesn’t disappoint. Comedy in my opinion is one of the hardest things to get right. What tickles me might not tickle anyone else. And vice versa. For example – Hangover (and all the subsequent installments)? I don’t think I laughed once. I just couldn’t understand what the fuss was about. The worldwide gross? $467 million. So what do I know?

But Spy is funny. Hilariously funny. Laugh yourself into a belly ache funny. And everyone involved was bloody brilliant – Melissa McCarthy, Rose Bryne, Miranda Hart, Allison Janney. Although to be fair – I knew these ladies can do good comedy. Jason Statham on the other hand? Didn’t have a clue he could be funny. But there you go. Also Jude Law was in it? It should tell you something about the level of performance here when Jude Law was more a blip on the screen. I was all like – oh hey Jude Law you are in this too whatever. And Jude Law is not a bad actor. So if you need cheering up or if you want to treat your mum to a good movie she might enjoy or if you want a break from all the lets-blow-up-everything-to-bits blockbusters, Spy is your movie.

Which brings me to…

Jurassic World

I feel I need to preface this by saying a few things:

- I really love Chris Pratt, I think he is funny and I’m delighted he has 3 huge hits under his belt.
- I am aware that Jurassic World is a monster of a movie worldwide (all pun intended).
- I really love Jurassic Park.

All that said – I disliked Jurassic World. I didn’t hate it, I just thought it was meh. To a point where I kinda actively wished that dinosaurs ate all the humans because omg-what-the-effing-f*ck-where-the-effing-humans-thinking? I’m sure it makes more sense in my head.

The jokes were lame. So lame. I was side-eyeing that sh*t so hard. But there was a bunch of “bros” sitting in the cinema in front of us who were laughing uproariously throughout the movie. Hardest of all I might add when Bryce Dallas Howard was running around in heels (which… UGH don’t even get me started on that damsel in distress sh*t).

One of bros is a movie critic (!!!) So surely (surely!!!) he saw the first movie. Surely he realized it was far superior to this one. Alas. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t enjoy it as the bros in front of me. Then I got home, googled some reviews and obvs I’m in the minority here.

Jurassic World is a summer blockbuster. Or rather the blockbuster of this summer. But in my opinion it lacks all the oomph the original movie had. Also? Lame. And I freaking love dinosaurs.

But what do I know.

I have since then re-watched Jurassic Park. And it’s still awesome.

The Martian trailer

Dear ladies and gents,

have you read Andy Weir’s The Martian? I freaking loved that book.

It’s about Mark Watney, an astronaut who is presumed dead after a mission on Mars goes to sh*t. After a storm hits, his team members run for their lives and being they journey back to Earth thinking that Mark is dead. Only he is not. He is stranded on Mars with minimal supplies and now he has an ultimate make-it-work moment in order to survive.

And he really makes it work. Also it’s a freaking funny book (yes, you’d never think a tale of survival would be so funny).

At any rate, it’s a great book. BUT… as I’ve read it, I kept thinking how can they possibly turn it into a movie?

Ridley Scott did. Which. Hm have you seen Prometheus? The first hour was so bloody good. And then it was not.

But this looks dare I say it – promising?

Blech

On a sidenote – I sat on this for 3 days. I’m ummed and aahed and wanted to think about it to see if I was being unfair. I don’t think I was?

————————————————————

Marvel’s Avengers press tour is turning into a sh*t show of epic proportions.

First Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans called the Black Widow a whore.

At best? Unprofessional. At worst? Misogynistic.

Then they issued apologies.

This one is passable.

We answered in a very juvenile and offensive way that rightfully angered some fans. I regret it and sincerely apologize.

Renner’s however is not.

I am sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone. It was not meant to be serious in any way. Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour.

You don’t call a woman, fictional or otherwise, a whore. End of.

Has this been blown out of proportion? In my opinion, no. Avengers: Age of Ultron is set to be the biggest movie of the year. Worldwide. (And it is turning into a monster of a movie just as we all thought). Which means Avengers stars are representing the movie on the global stage. This is their audience. This too. Would you tell these little boys it’s ok to call anyone a whore? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Which brings me to the second part of the sorry-not-sorry apology – tedious press tour? Are you f*cking kidding me? No, seriously, are you? You work a couple of months each year and make millions. Which is more than most people make in a lifetime. The press duties are a part of the contract. You get to sit in a nice hotel room a few days in the row, get fed and hydrated regularly and your only duty is to be polite to the reporters.

Tedious? Tell it to a nurse. A teacher. A fireman. Or maybe the film crew that has to put up with your sorry ass and gets paid peanuts in comparison?

This would have been bad enough.

And then Robert Downey Jr. had to go and add a cherry on the top of this steaming pile of bollocks.

The jist of is that Alejandro González Iñárritu made quite an eloquent point about superhero movies:

The problem is that sometimes they purport to be profound, based on some Greek mythological kind of thing. And they are honestly very right wing. I always see them as killing people because they do not believe in what you believe, or they are not being who you want them to be. I hate that, and don’t respond to those characters. They have been poison, this cultural genocide, because the audience is so overexposed to plot and explosions and sh*t that doesn’t mean nothing about the experience of being human.

Like, the dude actually thought about it.

Robert Downey Jr’s response:

Look, I respect the heck out of him. I think for a man whose native tongue is Spanish, to be able to put together a phrase like ‘cultural genocide’ just speaks to how bright he is.

Hm excuse me?

Because of my nationality I have been on the receiving end of that. Oh you speak good English! Blech. Aren’t I smart? Hm it’s not all that difficult to learn? Now German was freaking difficult. And don’t get me started on Latin. Lest you think I’m an Einstein, I’m not. Languages are obligatory. Being in a possession of a vajayjay also has its own “perks”. Men tend to think the nationality of my region x a few drinks = prostitute. Dude, I can buy my own drinks. And I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole.

It’s demeaning, tasteless and offensive. All of it.

And before someone tells me Robert Downey Jr is just a movie star… yes, he is. And whether he likes it or not, he has a GLOBAL audience. So he should either a) know better or b) be trained better.

And you know what? It’s not our fault we are reacting to this. That we get offended. Offended might be too strong of a word. That we side eye this sh*t?

Today the information travels super fast. And we, the audience, have the means to be more hm vocal about the side eye? Besides they all like the new media and the reporters when it suits them. Not so much when anyone disagrees with them.

So yes, I’ll point back to Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans. And call them misogynistic twats. Robert Downey Jr’s ignorance is showing too.

Check your privilege gentlemen.

Damn. And I really only wanted to enjoy the movie.

Batman vs Superman

So.

Marvel vs DC Comics? We’ve established I don’t have a dog in that fight. In fact, I grew up watching Superman. And Nolan’s Batman was my jam. I will also probably see every single Marvel movie when it hits the theaters. Because they are so bloody fun.

Anyway.

When the trailer for Batman vs Superman was leaked online I was like – oh goodie, let’s see, let’s see! (insert jumpy claps) Man of Steel was hm ok-ish? I mean, if they cut short that battle scene that lasted forfreakingever, it would have been a great movie. Just my opinion, ok?

And they had me. They had me. Come on – Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely? And then that shot of Superman’s statue? With False God graffitied all over his chest? Please, that’s some great sh*t. Sure, dark and depressing sh*t, but great sh*t.

Then two things happened.

Ben Affleck got out of the batmobile.

I mean… what the what with that chest? No, seriously? But let’s call that a personal preference what with me a being a shallow, superficial bish and move on. I’m sure Ben Affleck worked very hard on his chest.

Then the second thing happened.

“Tell me, do you bleed? You will.”

And some of this for a good measure.

Come on. COME ON!

What is that?

Unless the follow up is that Superman blows a big fat raspberry and tells Batman he can shove his bat doodahs where the sun don’t shine because he is freaking Superman and them things can’t hurt him…

and yes, I’m not holding my breath that will happen…

WHAT is that?

Lord.