15 things I learned watching Derren Brown

Image: Channel 4

– Don’t try to figure out how Mr. Brown does what he does. Or actually you can try. And drive yourself loopy in the process (trust me on this. And if by any chance you do manage to figure it out, comments are below)

– his shows are a combination of “magic, suggestion, psychology, misdirection and showmanship”. Which translates as “I-know-how-I-do-it-but-you’ll-never-figure-it-out”. (also see number 1)

– A number is never, ever random.

– Never underestimate the power of the placebo effect.

– If there is someone skulking around your garage, sorry, but you are screwed.

– If there is someone skulking around your bedroom, sorry, but you are screwed.

– Having said that – if there are cameras involved, yup, that just might be Derren Brown and yup, you are screwed. However… if you cannot see any cameras, you might be better off ringing the police. Because well… someone is skulking around your garage and/or bedroom.

– It is not only possible to train an assassin, it also looks horribly easy. So if by any chance you happen to be sitting next to a guy who points a finger at his forehead, it might be wise to duck. Just to be on the safe side.

– I still haven’t figured out what the heck does mentally robust mean. I *think* it means if the end of days is upon us, you won’t freak out and kill any zombies? I *think* it means you will only moderately freak out?

– New Age gurus, faith healers and mediums are all a sham. Ok, maybe not ALL of them. But great majority of them. Also – they don’t know how to pronounce Dolce and Gabbana (on a side note and my shallow observation of the day – I didn’t know they made such pretty shoes? Dolce and Gabbana mind, not the faith healers)

– What is the best way to get someone to sign a legal disclaimer? Shove the aforementioned legal disclaimer in their face in the middle of the night while they are still half asleep. Works. Every. Single. Time.

– And for the dope who signed the aforementioned legal disclaimer in the middle of the night while half asleep – don’t be surprised if you wake up in Morocco.

– Mr. Brown does something to my cat. She was watching him with such rapt attention that I haven’t seen since I caught her watching an episode of the Dog Whisperer. Me thinks she is trying to pick up a few tricks, cheeky cow.

– Always watch the Séance during the day. It’s quite funny then. Evening time? Not so much. It will creep the sh*t out of you (laugh all you want, but don’t say I didn’t warn you).

– you know the whole mind reading thing? People will ask the weirdest things. Like should I shave my scrotum.
a) ewww. And ewww again (good luck with trying to scrub that mental image out of your head. I know I’m evil that way but why should I suffer alone?) and
b) dude – if you have to ask, the answer is yes.

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