13 things I learned reading Twilight

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  • If you ever fall in love with vampire you will never ever read another romance novel, watch a chick flick or buy the latest issue of Cosmo. To say they have a flair for romance and melodramatics is an understatement.
  • Having said that youaresofrakingbeautiful does get tedious after a while.
  • If a vampire turns you into a vampire you become beautiful and indestructible – all without the aid of plastic surgery. And you will never ever need to buy wrinkle cream again.
  • Having said that if you are dating a vampire and you are still human it would be better if you are not accident prone – even a paper cut can turn deadly.
  • Sex with a vampire is a definite no-no. Sure there is the whole thirst thing but then there is the matter of their industrial strength which means anyone who bruises easily would screwed.
  • You can forget garlic, sunlight, crucifixes and all that other nonsense – the only thing that can kill a vampire is slashing him/her and then burning him/her to bits. See they regenerate otherwise. Even if it is only one itsy bitsy finger left.
  • Vampires do not like nice weather. The reason why vampires do not like nice weather is because they go all sparkly shiny in the sunlight and that would blow their cover (that particular scene in the movie was a terrible let down. I expected special effects galore, instead I got Max Factor shimmer powder.)
  • Vampires also do not sleep. Like never ever. Which on one hand seems atrocious but gives them plenty of time to indulge other pursuits.
  • Under curfew? Not a problem – your vampire friends and boyfriends can climb the walls. Literally.
  • Got into a spot of bother? Not a problem again, like that Police song “Every breathe you take” your vampire will be watching you. Sure it might be a bit stalker like, but it can come in handy.
  • Derogatory terms for vampires – leeches; for werewolves – mutts.
  • When it is safe to approach a vampire? When you are not bleeding; when his/hers eyes are not red and/or there are no purple shadows under their eyes. If by any chance they are not vegetarian (meaning they do have red eyes on permanent basis) you are screwed. In all probability it will be the last blood donation you will ever make.
  • Another way to tell if someone is a vampire? Ostentatious cars. Then again you want to make double sure it is not just some old geezer going through midlife crisis. Which would be far worse then a vampire.

So dear readers this list is far from comprehensive – what are some of the things you learned while reading Twilight?

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4 thoughts on “13 things I learned reading Twilight

  1. I find it retarded that the movie posters font has one of the characters names bigger than the actual title of the movie when I first saw the poster at a movie theater I was like WTF is that movie? is it about a guy named edward

  2. Hm me thinks that was the whole point when you consider the target audience… to them it is a movie about a guy named Edward :)

  3. There are no posters of Jacob Black. And I mean NO. I mean seriously, Jacob (werewolf) is sooooo much hotter than Edward (vampire). IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!!!

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