CouchSlobs - A Monument To Human Idleness

Moonlight! I don’t usually write articles in which I praise shows, but I’ve heard I often focus on the negative and should look at the brighter side of life. So I’ll start this review with shows positive aspects, just to get them out of the way. To start, the opening graphics are really good. The moon with the sparks, although a Heroes rip-off, is one of the best graphics I’ve seen this season. OK, now that we’ve gotten this out of the way, let’s get back to fun.

Seriously!? And I mean, SEROISLY!? Who the fuck are you kidding? WTF! And from Joel Silver the producer of Swordfish, Veronica Mars and The Matrix. What’s going on in Tinsel Town this year? First Barry Sonnenfeld with his Pushing Daisies debacle, and now Joel Silver. Just tell me if this sounds familiar? Touchy-feely vampire in love with hot blond and they fight crime. Give me a bloody break! I would seriously consider this Moonlighting rip-off if it wasn’t such cheap attempt to suck the viewers into watching this turd by using vampires. Furthermore, this is one of those shows where half of the cast isn’t speaking, and not in a contemporary artsy-fartsy way, but in a “if they speak we have to pay them” kind of a way. Just to prove my point, here are a couple of things you can see in this … Moonlight:

1. Forget the coffins, vampires sleep in freezers! - After all vampires are half-dead, so I see why one might believe this is probable. You know decomposition is ever-present these days.
2. Sunlight gives vampires sunstroke! – No, vampires do not burst into flames when exposed to direct sunlight. They get dizzy and hot!
3. The cause of paralysis is stake through the heart! – I’ve heard of burping a baby to cure bad luck, but taking a stake out of your heart to cure polio, that’s just ridiculous. What’s next, taking a stick out of your ass to cure hemorrhoids?
4. People are sheep! – Well, actually this one’s true!
5. The younger the Vampire looks, the older and more powerful he is! – The only reasoning that can explain this theory, proposed by Moonlight, is that they believe vampire nation is lead by bottle suckling infant vampires. I seriously doubt it! To have power you have to have respect, and I for one wouldn’t respect a demon spawn which shits bloody poo in a nappy!

To all of you who envisioned this show, I’ll give a piece of advice I heard in Absolute Power: One man may have a sheen of gleaming star, whilst the lean and the mean have to clean the bar. Go clean the bar!

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