A New Epidemic Hits TV Land


I was watching TV yesterday, as usual, and I came to a startling discovery. I’ve noticed that a new psychological disorder has been spreading among leading men. As far as I can tell it has been affecting only male characters but unless something is done soon, I’m afraid this debilitating condition could spread and even mutate to affect leading ladies as well. The disorder I’m talking about is Oral Fixation. It has affected three leading men as far as I can tell, but I believe that this is a beginning of more serious epidemic.

So what to hell is Oral Fixation you might ask? (Warning educational part of this blog post begins!) Oral Fixation manifests itself in adults who were not held enough or given enough stimulation as children. In laymen’s terms, their mommy’s didn’t hold them enough. Disorder was first describes by world’s most famous sex addict and druggy Sigmund Freud. (Admit it you thought I was going to say Paris Hilton). Oral Fixation manifests itself by constant eating, biting nails, licking lips, drinking, or making out; and can often be accompanied by Nasal Fixation which is manifested by sticking coins up one’s nose, or drinking through the nasal cavities. If you doubt Mr. Freud’s expertise when it comes to these disorders, just take into consideration ever-present cigar in his mouth and all that cocaine he snorted up his nose. (This concludes today’s educational part of this blog post)

Who are the affected leading men? As far as I can tell Patient Zero is Rusty Ryan played by Brad Pitt in Ocean’s 11. His constant eating of various food items like ice cream, lollypops and baked goods continued in further sequels of the trilogy. Second leading man affected by this debilitating disorder I noticed in Michael Weston, Burn Notice’s lovable ex-spy. His obsession with yoghurt, to which he turns to when going gets tough, I can only suspect is one of the reasons he was burned from secret service. Final and most recent case of Oral Fixation among leading men spread to Charlie Crews in NBC’s new crime drama Life. This policeman wrongly convicted of triple homicide, exonerated and returned to the police force, has obsession with fruit. This final case confirms my suspicion that this is the beginning of a full blown epidemic! If the TV authorities do not act soon, it is likely it will spread to other leading men. Can you imagine Denny Crane not being able to say “Danny Crane” because of cigar and whiskey obsession? Or maybe if Dr. Gregory House starts popping so many Vicodin pills that he becomes addicted to them? OMG, someone call CDC!

NOTE TO PARIS HILTON FANS: OK, OK, all you Paris Hilton fans she can be world’s most famous sex addict and druggy! God!


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